Sunday, April 28, 2013


Long story short I was sick yesterday. Not head-cold sick, but tummy is gonna crawl out of my throat sick.

I'm pretty pissed at myself for not being able to workout or do the second load of dishes, or even fold laundry. I stayed curled up in bed whimpering and hoping that I'd actually throw up and be done with it.

Didn't happen.

Nothing tasted right, or good, or satisfying. And I drank 2 cans of Sprite to try and calm my tummy. Ugh.

I feel better today. Hopefully I'll stay better. Gonna workout on Monday.

Till then!

Thursday, April 25, 2013

The aftermath of Vacations.

It's been said, and personally experienced, that you need a vacation after a vacation. This is especially true when you go away for vacation. Packing, tickets, gas, pet sitters, luggage, spending money, car rental, hotel rooms. It's enough to drive a person batty!

Hubby and I have a secret for vacations.

We don't travel.

Vacation for us is staying home doing anything and nothing. Enjoying each others company, appreciating the scarce days we have wholly unto ourselves, and just being. We also indulge eating food that's usually not prepared at our home. Not lots and lots of obscene greasiness, but smoothies, an occasional burger, pizza, chili from Wendy's (for me), stuff like that.

It's the perfect recipe for our type of vacation.

Especially because we had a 3-day Dungeons & Dragons game session going on.

The aftermath of it is the realization that we don't get anything done. (Well we did vacuum & wash the carpet in 1 room.) We don't do dishes every day, or laundry, or anything. Hell, today's the first day I saw the kitchen in 5 days.

We also miss each other. Him going to work leaves the house empty and cold. I realize just how much more I always want him around. It sucks. It sucks more when he calls and says he wishes he was home and misses me. Makes my heart break.

Eventually the numbness that is his going to work every day will become normal again and we'll dream of his next vacation. We're already dreaming of it, planning on how we'll lounge and just be.


I did workout today, despite my period going into a full-blown beginning. I thought 3 days of spotting and mild cramps had to do with the meds mixing into my body and that would be it. Nope. Today is painfully bloody hell, but I worked out. Kinda proud of myself.

Breakfast was some grapes followed, several hours later by, a small bowl of pasta shells with a pat of butter sprinkled with garlic powder and a dash of salt.

I did snack on a peppermint stick and 2 pieces of chocolate.

Lunch is going to have a pickle in it and whatever else I can rustle out of the fridge. No clue what.

Dinner is going to be a burger cooked up here with a couple chips on top of it.

I'm back on the water horse, a lovely teal pitcher half-empty next to me. I -may- have a can of Coke with dinner. Not sure yet.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

7 Cokes in 3 Days

It's safe to say from my title that I've indulged a lot in the past 3 days, and it's going to continue through Wednesday night.

Hubby has a mini-vacation which we are spending at home, indulging in good-but-not-all-the-way-healthy food, soda, Pina Colotta smoothies, Final Fantasy XI, and D&D games.

I'm not going to be working out until Thursday, then again on Saturday. That way I get 3 workouts in this week. It's not my optimal plan, but when an epic 3 day D&D session is proposed, optimal can go kiss my still large ass.

I did voice my concern about drinking so much soda. I'm feeling bloated right now (thank you period) and my fingers feel it, especially. Oddly enough I don't feel like I'm going to burst into tears looking at myself in the mirror. I'm a bit puffy but okay. Not like the past 2 months when I feel like a freaking marshmallow. Hubby said, and I quote:

"It's my vacation. We have to splurge during my vacation."

Good enough for me.

Here's to another 2 days of vacation and the continuance of epicness!

Saturday, April 20, 2013

The urge.

I got the urge to workout today. Crazy, right? On a Saturday. With Hubby home!

Urgh, what's wrong with me?

Well I got the urge and followed it through, convincing Hubby to take a break from FFXI and work on his D&D game instead while I got all embarrassed and naughty-part sweaty in front of him. Nekkie. I don't envy the view he got, but I wasn't going to change how I workout cause he was home.

How was it?

Well the workout was tougher than normal, not taking the embarrassment into account. Apparently my leg is sore from a sore foot yesterday. Meh. It did cramp during the workout. (Ouch!) But I did the whole thing.

Hubby's assessment?

"I don't think that's the kind of thing that will help you loose weight. It's just a lot of stretching."


So I explained to him parts 1-3 need to be done for 28 days to build up muscle tone, that part 4 was the "hard part", and he hmmmm'ed me. I also nicely pointed out that it's not the only thing I'm sticking to, that he was more than welcome to do it with me on Monday, and he said:

"I'm sure the stretching is good, but I don't really see how it's going to help you."


I'm only on day 12 of 28. Almost halfway there. Not going to stop. Gotta do this. Damn it hubby!

Well, at least I know I can get through the workout with him inside the house and I won't embarrass into a pile of goo.

I just need to ignore the new urge to kick him.

Friday, April 19, 2013


Today was the service for my best friend's Mother.

It was sweet, simple, and to the point.

I sat next to my best friend, holding her hand and touching foreheads.

Although several people showed up (mainly their family) she and I sat alone, behind her father, aunt, and grandmothers.

It was poetic in it's own way.

Her Mother suffered from mental illness for years before cancer claimed her. Like I mentioned before, I was never very close to her, but what I do know is that she was one of the nicest people I have ever met. Selfless, even when fighting with her daughter. And very giving.

We all met at a nearby Cracker Barrel to eat afterwards, her Dad made sure that Hubby and I sat next to them, as he shared stories and pictures of his wife. I'm glad to say that tears were at a minimum today. The loss will always remain, but, and especially after the service, there was much laughter. I also have to mention that most of her family made me feel very welcome. Especially her grandparents. It was nice not feeling out of place.


Getting to the service as less difficult than it would have been without the medicines I'm on. I can say that with 100% certainty. I did also make sure that I did not eat or drink before traveling and I took 2 Pepto pills, just in case. The drive was pleasant, we made 2 very short pit-stops, just to potty, and arrived nearly a half hour early. The drive home was even easier, though one of the medicines (which only last for a short time) wore off. I am sunburned, not badly, but bright pink.

Tonight I'm not going to work out, but instead, am going to take the evening to reflect on my life and appreciate those around me.

Breakfast today was eaten in 2 parts with a couple hours in between. Eggs in a Basket, turkey sausage, hashbrown casserole, and orange juice.

Lunch will be a big bowl of grapes and maybe a couple bites of leftover breakfast sausage & hashbrowns.

Dinner will most likely be leftover steak and rice from dinner last night.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

So many things.

So many things have happened since Saturday.

So many things.

First, and most somber of all, my best friends mom passed on Saturday. It's both re-leaving and worrying. I was never very close with her, but I respected the woman, and enjoyed the time we spent together. I was honoured that she shared her worries about her daughter with me. She's no longer suffering. That's the most important thing. Her family is no longer holding their breaths and can finally breath again.

I'm worried for the future of my friend. She's a strong girl and her dad's a strong, if stubborn man. But she's been through so many things these past few months, that I can hardly grasp. She's doing really well handling her mother's passing. I know it helps to be a part of the process and care-taking, but it seems like I'm holding my breath waiting for her to have a mini-breakdown.

Sounds silly.

I'll always be there for her.

In lighter news, Hubby has had the past 4 days off. It's been wonderful to have him close by. He's relaxing and lounging, just like he deserves. We've over indulged and gotten me a new computer, so I can continue playing FFXI with him, despite my very vocal denials. We've gone out to eat once, and splurged in Burger King's new Pina Colotta smoothies 3 days in a row.

I didn't actually get to work out on Monday. Hubby was in a battle with his computer and by the time he got it to work, he just wanted to play FFXI for the rest of the day. So I caved and lounged with him all day. I did feel awful not working out, if that's anything.

There also was a epic 8.5 hour D&D session yesterday. We splurged again on pizza. It was good to see my best friend actually having fun and laughing. She's probably the only reason we played till 5am. All of us loved seeing her happy after a week of somberness.

Needless to say, the past 4 days I've had more Coke than I should have. It was good. I only regret it a tiny bit.

I will probably work out tonight. Probably.

Breakfast was a bagel with butter, and a cup of tea.

Lunch will be a apple or two.

Dinner will probably be mac & cheese & bacon.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Day 10 of 28

Not working out on Monday was really apparent to me today. I still didn't sleep really well, maybe 4 hours of solid sleep then 4 hours of dozing and jerking myself awake. It dosen't help that our AC needs a freon jolt, so it's not cooling anything down, and it humidly hot outside. The AC should be fixed by tomorrow. Yay!

I considered not working out at all today and picking it up next week. I really did. But that just open the door to making more and more excuses and then ultimately not doing anything at all. We can't have that now.

The heat in the house made it more icky working out, I'm totally sure. Then I laid on the floor for 15 minutes trying to cool down. I can't wait to get a shower. (Soon as I'm done writing this!)

Dare I say I think I'm starting to tone up? I might be. My tummy goes flatter when working on the abs and my legs seem stronger during the lower body workout. I still don't see any apparent changes when looking in the mirror. Maybe in 18 more workouts there will be something. I hope.

Breakfast was a bagel half cream cheese half butter.

Lunch is gonna be some leftover angel food cake and apples. (Hey now, I can't let the cake spoil!) Maybe some homemade Chex mix for a snack later.

I don't know about dinner tonight. I'll probably get Hubby to pick up something. I do know there's a McD's Sweet Tea in my future tonight.

P.S. Working out in the dark with a candle is totally soothing.

Thursday, April 11, 2013


Last night was the first time I've slept in 2 days.

Yesterday I was too shaky and exhausted to workout. So instead, I continued sculpting a Dragon that I started on Tuesday while taking frequent breaks to lay my head down.

I don't know if it's the medicine.

I do know that I've worked myself up into such a state of worry and fear that I haven't been able to relax.

Sleeping for 5 hours last night was good. I feel steadier. Still kinda shaky inside, but I'm not physically shaking anymore.

If all goes well and I can sleep some more tonight I'll be working out in Friday.

Here's a picture of the Dragon from Tuesday:

It's just a rough bodyshape.

I've added eyes, eyebrows, a lower jawline, toes and claws, and a wing frame since.

Monday, April 8, 2013

A bigger huge thing.


This morning Hubby and I headed off to the doctor. It was a scheduled appointment, which meant I spent the past 4 days freaking out silently, and this morning at the mercy of my body turning my bowl to liquid acid. While trying not to cry at the thought of getting into the car. 2 Pepto pills later I put on my shoes waiting for the pills to work their magic.

Hubby munched on a bagel calmly reassuring me we'd be fine. We had an entire hour set aside to travel 15 minuted up the road. We'd be fine.

His bagel done and another two runs upstairs to the bathroom, I walked out of the apartment. My heart pounded, chest felt tight, and I had to force myself to take long deep breaths.

One of the hardest things I ever do is get into the car.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love being in the mall. Shopping. Craft stores. Seeing my family. Eating at a restaurant. LOVE.

Being in the car is one of the most horrific forms of torture I could think of for me.

I hate it.

I hate it.

I hate it.

It dosen't even matter if at the end of the car trip I get out at horse farm to go riding. (My favorite things to do ever!)

The car ride is pure torture.

And if it's raining and the windshield wipers are going? Forget about it.

I remember in middle school I started having nervous issued riding in the car. But we were a family of 7 (5 kids) and 4 of the 5 of us played sports, and that meant traveling everywhere. I dealt.

It was a bit worse in high school, especially school trips. (I was in choir, woman's choir, show choir, NJROTC, and drama club.) I spent about a hour in the bathroom emptying my bowels, didn't drink anything for hours (so I didn't have to potty), read a book and dealt with it. My senior year, one of my friends in choir noticed how sick I got while on the bus and he took it upon himself to focus me on something else entirely for the trip. (Bless him.)

It got so bad in high school that I'd think of every little excuse to avoid riding the bus (to and from school). Everything. Until my senior year (that's when my oldest brother started high school). I tried to set a good example and ride the damned bus at least every morning. After school I got rides to after school activities and then home. I dealt with being in the car. Barely. But it was better than the bus!

Then college.

Ohhhh college.

I met my Hubby back then. I walked most everywhere cause I didn't own a car. But he did and he loved to drive. I was okay one I made it clear to him that I had what I called a 'sensitive tummy'. Which meant if I needed to go potty then he needed to find a bathroom and fast. I made it as low key and easy on him as possible. The only really bad thing that ever happened and freaked him out; was during a rainstorm, at a stoplight the windshield wipers were on and something just clicked in my brain and I freaked. Begging him to turn them off and putting my head on my knees, I was sobbing.

No idea why and it hasn't happened like that since.

Needless to say the damage was done.

Luckily my few close friends ( 2 total ) understood that if I needed them to pull over so I could go to the bathroom, they pull over. It didn't matter where. A gas station, a store, the woods, a field, a pastor's yard. (True story.)

Most if the time it was just pee. Then it evolved. I had to poop. Fine. I pooped. Then somewhere during the 1st and 3rd stop to anywhere it evolved to diarrhea. No fun, not fun, and where the hell is it all coming from? Then it evolved again to liquid acid. Soooo nasty. So painful. So frustrating!

We dealt with it. If I needed to go. I went. We'd find a place. I go. I remember vividly squatting in the woods in 30 degree weather with a bear-hold on a tree trunk at 2am on our way to drop a friend off at home. I was so angry at myself and confused.

This went on for years.

I always carried a roll of toilet paper with me in the car. It was a lesson from my Daddy when I was little. Now there was at least 2 rolls in the car. 4 changes of panties, a pair of socks, a change of shoes, and usually 2 different pants. Not that I've ever had an accident, but I'm terrified that I will. I also have a pink bag dubbed the 'medicine bag' that carries a bottle of Pepto pills, Tums, Tynol, a snack, bottle of water, more panties and socks and a couple of plastic grocery bags balled up. Just in case.

A couple years ago I had a riding accident. I was on a green trail horse, on a training ride. The lead horse (also a green horse) spooked and every other horse on the ride spooked. (All green. Idiot farm owner.) Well my horse reared and freaked out. I eventually calmed her and as soon as she settled the saddle girth broke. What the fuck? Yeah. Freak accident. I fell over five feet, landing on my left elbow. It was dislocated and one of the lower arm bones fractured.

Getting to the doctor and physical therapy became a huge thing. I was so nervous. Liquid acid all the way. Hubby trying to be understanding and supportive. It was taking a toll on him, I could see it.

A year or two passed. I hardly left the apartment. If I did it was to go grocery shopping or meet Daddy at the movies.

Then I fell down the entire flight of stairs. My left knee gave out (my good knee!).

I stayed inside and healed up for a couple of months.

Then I wanted to go out with Hubby. I took a step out of the apartment and intense panic started. I couldn't breath and I was shaking. It was horrid. We wrote it off because I was inside for so long. Needless to say the car ride turned from hating it to pure torture.

It became a even bigger huge thing.

Hubby seemed like he resented me even being in the car. It stressed him out when everything was closed in the middle of the city and there was no bathroom. He hated that I had no control. He never said anything mean either, but I could tell. No matter how supportive he was, when I was in the car with him he was stressed. It wasn't fun for either of us. It became downright hellish. I couldn't just get up and go anywhere. I needed to know days beforehand and even then it was iffy if I could actually sit in the car.

2 hour trip to go to Disney/ Fantasy Conventions/the airport to pick someone up? What the hell? NO!

Hour trip to visit my family? No.

Half hour trip to visit my baby sister? Nope.

20 minute trip to go to the good bookstore? No.

15 minute trip to go to the doctor? For me? Hell no. For hubby? I will do whatever it takes for Hubby.

10 minute trip to the mall? Not even.

5 minute trip to the gas station? Newp.

Walk outside to see friends to their car? No.

It breaks my heart that I can't even pop over to see my baby sister. I've tried. I've really tried.

What's worse is that I haven't even told my family. I did mention to my baby brother that I've been having panic attacks, but that was it. He was picking me up and I needed to give him a heads up in case I freaked. I don't know how to tell them. Not really.

I'm afraid that they'll tell me to suck it up.

I've tried to. I really have.

We always spoke about physical illness, no problems. But not mental illness. My Grandma on my Daddy's side had Alzheimer's. We all knew it, but never really talked about it. I'm not ashamed. I'm scared.

I think the most deep seeded fear is that I'm going to end up like my Grandma.

I was prescribed 2 different meds today. One is for situational panics.Lorazepam in it's smallest dosage. I took my Father-in-laws a few year ago when we were visiting out of state. It helped. A LOT. The other is a pill that I get to take every day. Citalopram. It apparently takes a couple weeks to start working, cause the meds have to build up in my system, but the Doctor says that once it starts working I shouldn't even need the Lorazepam. There shouldn't be any side effects, except maybe sleepiness, but I get to take it at night. I even got to talk to the pharmacist like a big girl.

I'm scared that this is going to change me. I LIKE who I am. I've made Hubby promise that if he notices a personality change of any sort that he'll take me right back to the Doctor and I get taken off the meds. I want to be 'normalish' again. I want to go on trips, and pop in for visits just cause, and swing out to a restaurant at the drop of a hat. Actually talking to the Doctor today was supremely difficult.

It's been several hours now and I keep crying on and off, which is kinda silly, cause I haven't taken anything yet.

On another yet related note. Hubby also had a Dr appointment. He's been ordered to get more bloodwork done. The Dr thinks he might have the beginnings of rheumatoid arthritis. Oh also he gets to go have a Cat Scan. Poor guy dosen't get treated till then find out what's wrong. He stressed about it big time.

We both agreed over a Burger King Whooper, that I'd rather have his problems and he'd rather have mine.

My Hubby and I on our Wedding Day
I love this man so much. He's my everything and so supportive through everything that's happened over the years. Most of all he puts up with all my crazy and still loves me. No matter how bad or scary things are we have each other.

Oh also, don't be mislead by this photo of me. I'm much heavier now. I'm working on getting back down to this size.


Breakfast today was some fries and a Whopper Jr.

Lunch is gonna be an apple and probably a roll. The remaining half of Hubby's Whopper and some sweet tea.

Dinner will be butter chicken on a bed of spinach with croutons.

I'll workout later tonight, at my normal time.

Friday, April 5, 2013

A few things I do...

There's a huge difference between dancing and yogalates. Most of which included the mental state that I workout in, apparently.

With dancing I can have the my laptop open, T.V. on, and the video playing. It's fun. The T.V. really helps me forget just how much I hate a particular set of movements. (Hip-drops I'm lookin' at you.) I can go. With the video playing in the background just loud enough to hear the counts and what's coming next, it's easy to keep up with. It helps provide a similarity to an actual dance class. You know; noise, people, music, the instructor talking, and every other little sound that lends atmosphere in a dance studio. Heck, I can even have another T.V. on with Final Fantasy XI running and it's no problem.

With Yogalates I can't have any of that. Not even one extra thing. It totally destroys my focus. Hell, it destroys the entire integrity of the workout. At first I was a little annoyed with myself. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I even have the T.V. on low? Then I realized that the workout itself was focusing on the body. No extra brain stimulation other than trying to preform eleven-millionty little things at once.

I love it.

About a half hour before starting the workout I go around and turn off all but one light in the upstairs of the apartment. Get my mat (a glorified beach towel), 2 hand towels, and pillow ready on the couch, and then finish watching whatever show I was watching before turning off the T.V. and closing my laptop. Of course, since I'm all hi-tech I pop the DVD into my PS2 and let it run itself to the main menu. While it's doing it's thing I go potty, nom a couple Tums (cause I almost always start getting the heartburn-burps while working out), and move the couch into place.

There's no distractions save my kitties, who know to let me be while I'm working out, and the occasional phone call from Hubby, which lasts less than 30 seconds usually.

It's so relaxing. So...different than anything I've done all my life.

I'm thinking' that from now on I turn off ALL the lights and light a candle. We'll see how that goes on Monday.

Not my photo.

Breakfast was a couple of bites of leftover steak tips and white rice and an apple.

I nommed 2 Twizzlers.

Lunch is going to be an apple, half a can of leftover tuna on a few crackers, and probably another Twizzler or 2.

Dinner is gonna be Hamburger Helper Potato Strogonoff.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

A defeating feeling.

Last night (after another amazingballs D&D game) Hubby and I showered. I asked him to look me over and see if he could see any changes. He had me turn around a couple of times before saying (gently) that he didn't see any big difference. Needless to say I felt even more defeated than I did looking at myself in the mirror last week (you know, during my period when I resemble a puffy marshmallow).

I wish changes were easier to see. It would make things so much easier to keep up. That sinking feeling of being defeated is creeping in. Making it so much easier to just quit.

I don't want to quit.

I want to SEE a change damn it!


Hubby said that my endurance has improved a lot.

Endurance does not make the back fat diminish in the mirror.

I hate this feeling. Hate it.

I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet. It's easier this time with Hubby knowing and being so supportive. There's 2 and a half months of Yogalates left. Maybe after that time there will be some sort of physical change. I sure as hell hope so.

Breakfast today was a toasted burger bun with butter and raspberry jam.

Lunch is going to be some leftover chop suey that we made last night and I didn't eat.

Hubby and I are currently discussing over the phone what we're going to have for dinner.

Monday, April 1, 2013

On food

I've noticed that during the past few weeks that I haven't really had set meals to eat. Lamely enough it's because we really haven't been grocery shopping for meals. Just the occasional; 'Hey I'm picking up hamburger meat, hamburger helper, and apples before I come home.' Money's a bit tight right now and Hubby has been shopping and keeping an eye on our dwindling checking account on top of stressing about it, so I've been keeping quiet. I don't want to add to the stress/guilt/worry.

We've been eating and decently. It's not like we're starving or surviving on junk food, which is cheaper than healthy food. Even fruits and veggies, which is absurd!

Nothing's really set for my meals though.

It's a little sad. I miss having a set meal to eat for lunch. Right now it's mainly leftovers from the night before. I usually try to hand over leftovers to Hubby for his lunch and make do with whatever else there's left. It's a better meal for him, on the rare occasion he gets a chance to eat at work.

Moving on.

I really felt the soreness in my abs today. It dosen't hurt, but it's sore. A good kind of sore with the promise of strengthening. It feels promising.

I do have to admit that I didn't stay in Down-Face-Dog for the entirity of the pose. My right knee was hurting deep down in the muscle yesterday, so much so, that Hubby put muscle rub on it. It was wobbly today. Really wobbly and I just couldn't hold the pose. Kinda irritating.

Breakfast was a bowl of Corn Pops in rice milk.

Lunch is going to be a piece of leftover chicken and an apple.

Dinner, I hope, is going to be chop suey. We'll see is poor Hubby can make it to Wal-Mart tonight after work for ingredients.